Dear Leader, Stop Avoiding Difficult Conversations

Sound familiar?

Let’s be honest — nobody enjoys having tough conversations.

If you do, you might want to get that checked out.

As leaders, we have a natural bias against facing up to our responsibility of taking these tough talks – even though we know they should be held and must be led professionally. It feels like the safe, easy thing to do.

There can be a multitude of reasons and different concerns, however, the central issue here is getting over the barrier of avoidance – taking the first steps toward being more consistent and confident.

It all starts with reflection. The classic approach to holding difficult conversations requires you to reflect over the situation and the asymmetric relationship and roles which you and your employee, or other counterpart, have.

Preparation often starts by reflecting on the reasons for the difficult (or necessary) conversation, and not least the consequences of having, or not having, the talk.

Here, you can consider more details, plan and collect relevant data and material, and even script the first conversation steps and words. You can predict conflict topics, the person’s emotional reactions, prepare supporting actions and focus on results and actions.

These skills of planning and reflection are often followed by training – you practice your relational and conversational leadership skills and learn how to hold these dialogues with a greater probability for success. All skills which can be learned and tweaked.

It’s Not About Skill – It’s About Identity

Even so, the real reason for avoiding difficult conversations often lies deeper.

It lies in our own image – our identity.

The only way to find the underlying cause of this mystery is to engage in deep self-reflection.

If we as leaders can seek the deeper logic and emotions of our self-image, we can find the keys to authentic leadership and true confidence when taking necessary difficult talks.

When approaching difficult conversations, our identity can be threatened – the way we see ourselves as a good person can be at stake.

For example, when you hold a stressful difficult talk, you may be thinking “If I were a good leader, I would never have let this situation happen – it’s not fair that I put the person through this.” Or “I’m a kind person and a caring leader – this is not the true me.”

Each of us has unique values and individual beliefs tied to our childhood, history and work-life experiences. What are your stories? How do you see yourself?

To be authentic and open toward challenging, growing and training your conversation skills, you need to be grounded about your self-image and accept these challenges to your identity.

This grounding is the real key to reducing your bias against taking those difficult talks. It requires us to accept and embrace our ever-changing and challenged identity as part of our life.

Authentic leadership means accepting that your identity will be challenged — often.

It means recognizing that being a good leader includes having tough talks when they’re needed. It means embracing the discomfort, not running from it.

However, getting to this mindset takes time, reflection and hard work. Are you ready to invest that energy? Do you need support?

Combined with self-compassion, you will break through the avoidance challenge at a deeper level, increasing your growth mindset and authentic leadership skills – ultimately to benefit both you, the persons involved and your organization’s business performance.

Your people will notice. Your team will trust you more.

#LeadershipDevelopment #LeadershipTraining